Twilight: As viewed by Cassie.

[The Prince]

• Opening Scene: Ok, I get that it’s meant to be symbolic but am I really meant to believe that a vampire is slower than a deer?
  
  
• Bella arrives at her new home: I'm confused; she says she used to go there every summer and makes a point to say she’s not been for years… and then never explains why? Why mention it then! I can see you and Charlie are awkward around one another, I'm not blind!
  
  
• Meeting Jacob: Apart from the fact he’s really not attractive, why does he keep looking at her like she’s some sort of lollipop he’d like to suck on?
  
  
• Bella’s first day at school: I don’t know about you but Bella seems physically incapable of speaking to another human beings, even when one is just obviously making small talk she’s literally incapable of holding a conversation. (Please Note: I hate her already.)
  
  
• Meeting Edward: Thank you gratuitous slow motion as he enter the cafeteria, now I am sure to know he’s an important part of the story! Also so much LOL!
  
  
• Biology Class: Just LOL! I'm inclined to think I’d vomit too if I ever met this girl. Also why does every single boy in this school seem suddenly so obsessed with her? Are they that hard up? She’s not a celebrity because she comes from a sunny place.
  
  PLEASE NOTE: At this point the above notes only relate to the first 11 mins of the movie! It’s about now I know I am in for a treat for the next hour or so.
  
  
• In the diner with Charlie: Why does this scene happen? What’s the point of it and others like it? It’s happening a lot and the movie hasn’t even really started yet….
  
  
• Bella’s first week at school: Sooo… Edward doesn't show up for school and you immediately reason it’s because of you, Bella? One of the first times you saw him he almost threw up, I’d have assumed he was ill or something but hey, I also know the earth doesn't revolve around me…
  
  
• Random Thought: Why is this movie so choppy? One moment we’re at her house, then school, then her house, then a car, then school and all in the space of five mins. How am I meant to follow the plot when I am so distracted trying to mental map where the fuck I am in related to space and time!?
  
  
• The first rescue: OMG call 911, she was mildly inconvenienced. Also why didn't she jump out of the way? When in danger a human responds with fight or flight… she didn't run so can I assume she was going to beat the car up instead?
  
  
• Edward’s second daring rescue: Angry eyes are angry – GRR – Edward glares people in submission.
  
  
• Google Search: She does a Google search on the term ‘cold ones’. So did I. Yes, there are hits on vampire myths but also on beer and cold packs. If I think she’s smart enough to put two and two together and I really don’t think she is, I think she’s more likely to think he’s a can of beer why the FUCK would you lead him into a woods, alone to confront him about it?
  
  
• Edward in the sun: Worst. Special. Effect. Ever!!!!
  
  
• Edward kissing Bella: Most. Awkward. Kiss. Ever!! Incidentally, I would have wanted to kill her too.
  
  
• Meeting the family: “She already ate? Well, fuck her. I am so mad I'm going to break this bowl and pout!”
  
  
• Baseball: Meh, it’s kinda interesting until other vampires show up and for some reason James, like every other male, is instantly drawn to Bella’s scent. WTF, did she put on Lynx accidentally, are the commercials right?
  
  
• Leaving Forks:
  1. Its so convenient Edward can read minds and know Bella is in danger.
  2. Her dad should have shot her for being a bitch.
  3. I don’t blame the sister for not wanting to help her out, neither would I.
  4. Bella is happy to die for her mother, not because of love but because everything that happened lead her to Edward and it was totally worth it.
  
  
• Fight Scene against James: ROFL! I love Bella is dying but the other vampires are dancing around the bonfire all ‘Whee, he’s dead. Yay us!’
  
  
• In Hospital: Once again Bella is unable to string a sentence together. Also Edward logic, “You should stay away from me, but I won’t stay away from you, but you should totally stay away from me even though I don’t want you too…”
  
  
• Jacob appearing at end: Just wtf? Thanks for the hook to the next movie I guess??
  
  
• Prom: Slow motion kiss is slow. Also best exchange between Bella and Edward thus far.
  Edward – “So, you’re ready to become a vampire right now?”
  Bella – “Yes, take me!”
  Edward – Leans in.
  Bella – “OhhhhhhHHhhhh…”
  Edward – “Nah – gotcha, as if I’d do that. Lol”
  Bella: Fuming
  Cassie – LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
  
  
  Stay tuned for my thoughts on New Moon.

[The Prince]

New Moon:

• Opening Scene: Is this dream seriously imparting meta knowledge to me already or is Bella psychic now? She's dreaming about the end of the movie at the start of the movie.
  
  
• Charlie giving her a present: Can the audience see what Charlie gave you? Also could Bella be any less enthused or grateful or happy that she's receiving a birthday present? I get the feeing she's thinking "oh, you want to show me how much you love me by giving me a gift, how bloody annoying dad!"
  
  
• Teasing her about being old: Bella is stressed about being one year older yet she wants to be a vampire. Can you imagine the hissy fit she'd have when she reached 100?
  
  
• Edward arrives at school: Again with the slow motion? Are all the movies going to stress how important he is to the plot?
  
  
• Jacob shows up at school: I know its a serious moment but I can't stop giggling at this conversation between Bella and Jacob. First because he's all "yeah, look at how hot I am now, you should totes come and hang with me." and secondly because Edward is in the background all "grrr, other boys are icky. Go away I wanna sniff my girl some more!"
  
  
• Alice giving gift: I think I have found the series only redeeming feature. I like Alice, she's flouncy and cute. Though Jasper is reminding me more and more of Lurch from the Munsters. But thank you movie for letting me know Jasper can control people's moods for no reason.
  
  
• Watching Romero and Juliet: is it just me or is it totally creepy that he's talking to her about death and suicide so casually? And once again have I just been given meta knowledge about how he plans on killing himself? Why, why, why would be tell Bella about that and during English class?
  
  
• Describing the 'royal vampire family': The music is reminding me of old mobster movies, I wanted the vampire to pull out a violin and stake him with the bow.
  
  
• Feeding Frenzy: Poor Jasper! Also Edward you moron, make it SO much worse. I'm digging the dad too right now, how he's so sweet looking after her and not saying "LOL! yeah ok Bella, you think I am a good person then I'm going to change my whole idea on damnation and stuff cos of it."
  
  
• Edward breaking up with Bella: I shouldn't enjoy this as much as I did but between the cheesy music, the dialogue and the fact she refuses to believe he's breaking up with her. Also I've been broken hearted before but never did I get lost in the woods and almost freeze to death. I mean did he get to keep her common sense in the break up?
  
  
• Writing to Alice: And a quote "...maybe I'm crazy now, maybe that's ok..." NO! It's NOT ok! And it's not ok to manipulate Jacob into helping you fix motorcycles so you can kill yourself with.
  
  
• Going to the movies: LOL! The movie is called 'facepunch'. LOL! there is three of them and the tension is hilarious, love the passive aggressive behaviour between the two boys. LOL! the angst Bella faces when both the boys have there hands out ready to be held. LOL! That one boy goes to throw up and she looks so relieved because the choice was made for her that he bailed. LOL! That Jacob is not going to let her shoot him down.
  
  
• Run down of movie thus far - Angst, angst, stupid choice, crazy, angst, confrontation, Jacob's turning, angst, stalking Jacob now with multiple calls and visits, Jacob cuts his hair and admits who knows about Cullens, angst, crazy, angst, crying over dead grass, vampire tries to kill her, werewolves and bad CGI, OMG Victoria is out there somewhere but not here - wow, Jacob blahing on about 'his' secret...
  
  
• Wolf is out the bag: How is it that it only takes a Google search for Bella to figure out Edward's secret but she needs to see Jacob turn into a werewolf to figure out his? Seriously, she's selectively dense.
  
  
• Suicide Attempt: Jacob should have let her drown. I have never hated him more. Oh Jesus now she's made other characters angsty.
  
  
• Alice is back: And so is my funny! Alice meeting Jacob is like an episode of supernatural Jerry Springer.
  
  
• Edward is unhappy: Slow motion running now, wow, can't they build suspense any other way? And Alice who until now has been described as being unreliable with her predictions is suddenly spot on and down to the letter. And now Bella and Edward can agst together once more.
  
  
• Meeting royalty: Slow motion fighting, the Matrix did it better boys. Also apparently Edward's secret secondary power is being able to throw himself and use his body to block mental attacks.
  
  
• Marry me Bella: Ohh, I can do immortality but marriage? wow that's a huge commitment.